A week full of yuck? I was jumping out of a plane and I crashed...here!

Two weeks ago I posted that it was a "seizure free feel good week" and my exceptions were for another great week.  If I'd not posted that I likely wouldn't really recall what a good few days we had.  This week and the one before it has been far from desirable with a few exceptions.  Falls, dizziness, confusion, nightmares, and seizure after seizure.  Last Monday, John rolled off the couch and exclaimed, "I don't know what happened.  I was jumping out of a plane and I crashed....here!" I confess that I chuckled.  Later in the evening he had a seizure episode that was so bad he was not responsive and had quit breathing.  

He asked for help in the bath as typical last week but while I was helping to dry his legs off, he told me that I was the "best wife anybody could ask for."  It really is the little things in life to cherish.  I helped him to the bed and then we later proceeded to play a little bit of our game of Words with Friends while on the couch.  I made wraps for supper and while John was eating, I looked over and panicked.  He was holding his hand out as if clutching his phone, except his hand was empty.  His eyes were rolled back in his head so that only the whites of his eyes were viewable and what was worse was that he was in the middle of eating.  He had food crammed in his mouth and after not responding for bit, I proceeded to do a finger swipe in his mouth that most people only learn about in CPR and First Aid Classes.  He began to regain consciousness and I helped him clear his mouth out as he was choking.  He was obviously startled and I apologized and told him I had my fingers in his mouth because he wasn't responding to me and he just wanted "to go to sleep for a year" at that point.

I let him rest and I escaped to type, checking on him periodically.  It would be so easy to see last week and the last couple days as a bad week but we have our good moments and I suppose that is what keeps us going on the bad days.  Be thankful for the small things, the little things that put a smile on your face, and cherish life to the fullest.

Exciting Times - A seizure free, Feel good week

It has been a great week! John hasn't had any seizure episodes for over a week.  I really can't even tell you when the last time was that we have been a whole week without any sort of fall, increased confusion, or seizure. 

John spent the weekend riding along with a friend at the Sheriff Office to get his hours in for an internship he is doing for a criminal justice class he is currently taking.  We had talked about us leaving for Jesup for the weekend but he felt he really needed to get his hours in and urged me to take the kids and "Go." He tried to assure me that he felt "fine."

I hesitate to hear John use the word "fine" as he uses it when he's on the floor semi-conscious and obviously not "fine."  This time, I knew he had had about 3 good days and I felt comfortable leaving so in a hurry of about 15 minutes the kids (ages 3 and 5) dressed themselves, packed their own bags, I changed clothes, and threw some snacks in a bag, and took off. 

We left in such a hurry that I didn't even take my debit card so we ran by the bank and withdrew some cash and got gas and left on the almost two hours road trip there.  I called John back a time or two and told him we may or may not come home Friday night.  Maybe it would be Saturday but we would just talk and figure it out. 

While I was driving, I realized it had been over a year since I had left John alone for a weekend trip.  I recall very vividly hesitating the last time before the boys and I went to a shower for someone.  John forgot to take his medicines each day that I was not here to remind him. I had even left him a note on the television with the meds on the TV stand.  The note, I might add was on an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper.  It wasn't your average sticky note.  John had a bad weekend at work.  He couldn't find the patrol car keys, wound up trying to apprehend a criminal, and tazed himself in the process while the patrol car gently rolled into the building where he was trying to subdue the man. 

This weekend, I knew John would be riding and not driving.  He assured me he would take his meds, but I had heard that so many times.  He kept telling me he felt good and that I should stay in Jesup even saying at one point, "See you on Sunday afternoon." 

I can not even begin to say how much I have needed a break.  But this worked.  It felt good.  I really believed that he was "fine" and would be alright until I got back.  I even enjoyed being gone, being in church, visiting with family and friends, and playing with the kids.  It was a "be anxious over nothing" kind of weekend. 

John did take his meds and he was ok.

Thank you God for a weekend break of refreshing renewal and peace.  This week, I expect a good week. No, I expect a great week and a great month.  I'm looking forward to going on vacation in a couple weeks.  A much needed family break.  I believe that we can have the best vacation weekend in a while.  

Last October's "I feel good. Let's go to Disney tomorrow" Trip.

 

What is TBI? Another fall while I type.

Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) has a host of symptoms and characteristics. TBI looks like different things for different people.  For some it is a closed head injury that may appear at fist as nothing more than a bump to the head or a concussion.  For others, it is a severe open head injury requiring much more immediate medical attention or possible surgery.

TBI, like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is now often labeled another invisible injury that a multitude of our troops are suffering with.  TBI, for each soldier or person affected, can be completely different.

At minimum TBI includes three facets: cognitive, emotional/behavioral, and physical.  Each of these facets categorize various difficulties or dysfunction.  These TBI symptoms would likely includes things such as memory impairment, concentration difficulty, problems organizing or staying on task, inflexibility or lack of spontaneity, poor judgement and prioritizing.  Other physical problems may include pain, visual impairments, hearing difficulties, diminished senses of taste and smell, seizures, problems with coordination or gait, balance problems and dizziness, and speech problems.  Speech problems include things such as aphasia.  The veteran may have trouble coming up with words or accurate words.  His or her speech may even be incoherent at times.  Endocrine and nerve dysfunctions are also potential problems with a diagnosis of TBI.

TBI is classified as a dementia.  Other forms of dementia that people may be more familiar with include amnesia and Alzheimer's disease.  During the last TBI evaluation at a VA medical facility, my husband was actually told that his brain was losing mass or volume.  His brain has literally shrunk.  No wonder he has days where things just don't work like they are supposed to any more.

Some days he doesn't remember if he's eaten or what he ate.  Other days he seems to manage fine.  Still some days are filled with the blank stares and unresponsiveness, classic of an absent seizure.  However, during these times of staring off without response, John's EEG monitoring hasn't shown signs of epileptic seizures.  A step beyond this unresponsive stare is when these seizures or passing out episodes happen while john is walking and he falls unconsciously to the ground or back into the chair or couch.  Sometimes, he has massive nose bleeds to accompany these seizures.  Often his "eyes go crazy" as our five year old says.  His eyes may blink wildly or roll back into his head, leaving only the whites exposed until he regains consciousness. 

A couple years ago, John wanted to go back to school and enrolled at a local technical college in an attempt to use his hard earned GI Bill benefits.  John was still mostly driving himself then and his memory and concentration caused problems that neither of us could have expected.  One day John returned home only about 15 minutes after leaving home and I asked him how class was.  He replied something to the effect of, "What? Crap! I knew I forgot something." He had got thirsty and had went to Sonic to get a drink, forgetting about class.  He would forget to log on to the computer to do course work, forget to go to class, and forget to turn in assignments, even forgetting to go to school to take a final.

John would be eager to start some projects but rarely finish them.  Currently we have crown molding around only about 1/3 of our living room foyer, a project that he began over 6 months ago.  He started painting a faux finish in our bathroom and all but about a five foot section is complete...as of a year and a half ago.  I could go on and on with more examples just like these.

Ringing in the ears, balance trouble, and stumbling when bending over happen frenquently.  Speech problems plague John, as well.  Examples of this might be stuttering, saying things like "bring me a a a a a a a um a drink." Other speech problems include comming up with the wrong words like, "bring me the motorcycle to call my mom" or "bring me a flashlight" with the last statement actually meaning "bring me a drink."

A change in routine can cause problems, as can trying new things.  Irritablity and anger often surface as a result of any of these problems.  The problems themselves cause frustration and mental anguish and may lead to the person with TBI acting out or throwing a tantrum because of their problems or their frustration with how these symptoms negatively affect their ability to function in life.

The long and short of the story is that physical and mental injuries are exhausting and stressful.  Not only is the veteran affected, but anyone within the immediate family, extended family, and circle of friends will undoubtedly see the effects of what happens when the war comes home and a veteran has TBI and/or PTSD.

There may not be an ongoing battle in your backyard on the war with terrorism, but when a veteran returns, part of that war comes home. In many cases of PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury, like John's, no one can begin to prepare or expect what life will throw in their path.  One can read about mental illnesses and PTSD or other more physical complaints and have little idea of what the daily life will look like. 

 
Added May 2013 from my January Post on Parkinsons:

Recently, the VA has acknowledged that they are proposing changes to the way they view TBI and are embracing five (5) new diagnoses secondary to TBI for service connected compensation. These newly acknowledged diagnoses include: unprovoked seizures, depression, Parkinsons, hormonal imbalances, and dementia. (See an informative article here from the Federal Register) While I'm glad they are finally acknowledging that there is "sufficient evidence of a causal relationship" and "associations" between these things, I'm interested to see how long it takes to get the actual service connection reviewed and rated. We can only hope the process is speedier than the 5-10 years it has taken them to figure these illnesses are linked.
 

What does PTSD look like? "I'm fine, how are you?"

What does PTSD look like?

"I'm fine, how are you?"

Many years ago, John thought PTSD didn't exist.  He believed it was weakness.  It was in one's mind.  It was imaginary.  Those were irrational beliefs that started in his early Army days.  Superiors would drill into the soldiers that they were strong and they could handle anything.  They were tough.  That they couldn't be beat.  PTSD was in the mind of the weak.  It wasn't real.  PTSD was for cowards.  PTSD was for sissies.  

Needless to say, when obvious symptoms of nightmares, flashbacks, and anxiety crept in, a soldier programmed with the above nonsense would deny it.  Denial.  A human's most effective and most important defense mechanism.  Denial is the soldier saying, "I'm good.  No problems. Can't complain." He picks up and carries on.  Or does he?  Does a warrior battling these inward emotions and issues really think that he's alright? Maybe he really does or maybe he has a war within his very being .  Likely he is struggling with the real plague of PTSD symptoms and that programming of "Suck it up soldier."

"I'm fine" is such a typical response.   Americans mutter this incessant crap without even thinking about it.  It seems innocent enough, yet it is affirms a stereotypical aspect of our society.  We're good.  We're well.  We maintain appearances and a Persona that we are whole, healthy, successful, and without problems.  Most people utter the usual, "Hi. How are you?" without ever wanting or caring what the addressed party has to say or how they truly are.   They expect a thoughtless, "I'm fine. How are you?" in return with none other than a "Doing well" type response.  

For starters, I don't ask one how he or she is unless I truly want to know or I care.  I think I began thinking this way sometime during my first year of graduate school when I was studying Clinical Psychology and we were challenged to be more aware and genuine in our interactions.  

If someone asks me, "How are you?" He or she should likely back up for an atypical response.  "Tired" is my usual response if I sense that someone is in a hurry or simply uttered the phrase without conscious concern.  However, if you sincerely ask me, "How are you?" you might want to sit down for a cup of joe because it might just take a while.  On the rare occasion a stranger or acquaintance asks how I am and I reply with a quick and hurried, "Fine." I back up and internally shake myself.  I really do.  I ask myself, "Are you fine today? Likely not. What was that about?"  That's how I shake myself back into a greater awareness of how I am.  Now you think I'm talking to myself and that might lead to other diagnoses so we'll get back to PTSD.

Now, maybe you can see how PTSD is an invisible illness.  People with PTSD can often hide or mask their symptoms.  They can recede into their own homes and personal lives, avoiding interaction when they don't feel like dealing with people or the world.  They can learn great (or so they think) coping skills, like denial, so it appears that they are fine.  

However, when one wants to really conquer PTSD and conquer his symptoms of the illness without it dictating life as he knows it, a few things have to change.  The hardest part is acknowledging that PTSD exists and it is real and it is happening to you or your loved one.  Not covering up or making excuses leads to a greater acknowledgement of the illness and symptoms.  Unfortunately, I think about all the years that we simply covered up or made excuses for the ugly symptoms and actions of my husband.  Looking back, it didn't do anyone a favor.  Now we make the covert overt.  We acknowledge it. We talk about it when we can and we are more honest.  A doctor or mental health professional cannot help what they don't know about.  Your family can not be encouraging or supportive if they don't know the honest truth about what is going on.  Your spiritual network, church, or confidants can't lift you up in prayer and thoughts if they are not aware of the situation.  

Few people are discerning enough to take a "I'm fine" response and decode when you are actually not "fine" and offer the help and support that is essential in making progress with PTSD or other aspects of your life.  It is essential to open up.