When my white picket fence no longer matched the American Dream

Riding down the road today I was contemplating how year before last was so difficult.  I turned 30 just a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and I almost couldn't bear to utter the simplest thing that I was thankful for.  I didn't really look forward to Christmas and life seemed bleak at best.  2012 brought better days.  Even with a host of awful days and horrific symptoms of John's traumatic brain injury, PTSD, and seizures, I could get a bit of relief from the dreadfulness of never ending bad days.

After I pointed out to him that for three years in a row, I had been with him at the VA hospital on my birthday, John was convinced I would not spend my 31st birthday there.  This was harder than it seemed because he desperately needed hospitalization to stabilize some of his issues; however, we put it off until Black Friday. It was then that he was admitted with chest pain and underwent some tests and came home the following day.

A decade ago, I was a single graduate student at Georgia Southern.  I was pursuing a degree in Clinical Psychology.  I shared a nice trailor with my sister on a family farm about 30 minutes away from campus.  One of my first orders of business was to put up 4 pieces of white picket fence.  We had a beautiful view.  We lived in a pecan orchard and there was a pond just beyond the fence.  After John and I married, we lived there together. 

The year after John and I were married, I bought a home in Fitzgerald while he was deployed.  It was a beautiful historic home in the downtown with a picket fence around the back yard. I went and picked out a bloodhound puppy just before John came home. 

the ideal American life as fed by the media; 2.3 children, white picket fences surrounding a split-level house with a dog and a cat, and a station wagon or a minivan to take the kids to sports practice; impossible by its' nature

"The reason it's called the American Dream is you have to be asleep to believe it." - George Carlin - Urbandictionary.com

On my drive this evening, I pondered the fact that we no longer have a picket fence.  The fence was unconsciously quintessential to me in years past.  Even without a picket fence, our house today is valued at over $100,000 more than the one we lived in just a few years ago.  Sill, I miss my picket fence.  I miss what it represented.  I miss the simplicity of life.  I thought of my depression during the year before last.  It wasn't just a picket fence that I missed, It was the fact that life had not turned out the way I expected.

Sure, we all can expect the worst when a loved one deploys.  I would venture to say anyone that says they don't ruminate on that possibility is denying a normal part of facing a high risk deployment.  My American Dream was not the one I imagined a decade prior.  My American Dream did not include a husband coming home after 12 months in combat and having invisible injuries that took years to diagnose and treat.

Parts of our American Dream were seemingly perfect.  We had two kids.  Yet, I never expected that our children would have to endure so much.  They have seen John suffer and have learned to be compassionate and caring beings in the process. They have learned to pray for John's headaches.  We have taught them to pray for the troops.  They bring pillows when he falls.  We teach them that they even pray for their enemies.  John and I have reiterated that even the bad guys that tried to kill dad (enemies) need prayers to become good guys. 

It has taken a while for us to adjust to life as we know it.  It has taken time for us to adapt to our new American Dream.  Just a few minutes ago, John called me into the bedroom to show me that he hung the canvas photo that he ordered for our December anniversary.  I acknowledged that I had already seen it and thanked him.  He went on to tell me that he loved that picture, a picture of our first dance and a kiss.  It was not posed or planned.  He said, "It was in that moment that I knew I would always have someone to love me and be with me regardless."  He said he had never had such a moment.  Our new dream is that we are able to appreciate each other, cherish the good days, love our children, appreciate our home (regardless of the neighborhood or status of the picket fence) and learn to accept help from others and admit when we are weak.  We want to become better people, better spouses, better parents. 

Embrace life.  Embrace your dreams.  Love each other unconditionally.  Dismiss faults and don't hold grudges.  All easier said than done.  Live life to the fullest.

Remember, Stay Positive.

 While I am not an avid Pintrest junkie, I saw this last week and saved it.  It sums up so many things.  While I don't often find that people are insensitive, sometimes they just are unaware or don't fully understand the things that others around them are going through.  

I almost always try to stay positive but sometimes the struggle of life is so exhausting and overwhelming that I just want to escape.  Remember to breathe and take a time out for yourself so you don't get discouraged. 

 

Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of the blessings because it seems that strife and struggles abound.  It is often easier to recognize all the struggles in lieu of any blessings that might be disguised that come alongside those daily battles we fight. 

 

Remember, stay positive.

Veteran Suicides at all Time High - Compensation Backlog Still Soaring

Recent statistics have surfaced that show in the year 2012, more veterans committed suicide than died in combat.  While this is a stunning statistic, I wanted to uncover just what those numbers were and how they related to previous years.  The Associated Press and the Pentagon reported that 349 veterans killed themselves during 2012.  The number of soldiers being killed in combat totaled 249 for last year.  Stars and Stripes provides an excellent article here.

This number has skyrocketed since this most recent war post-9/11.  In 2005, the suicide figures were half of the current rate.  Army veterans account for the majority of the suicides while Marine Corps veterans saw the largest percentage jump of over 50 percent increase from 2011 to 2012.  The Stars and Stripes article points to stress, guns, and alcohol being contributing factors to suicide.  They also acknowledge that vets with depression, PTSD, and financial stresses, legal problems, and troubled relationship are often comorbid with these suicides.  Impulsivity and behavior problems as well as prior attempts at suicide are mentioned.  However, 45 percent of those that successfully ended their own life in 2012 had no prior record of attempts or behavior issues. 

As a wife to a combat wounded veteran who has essentially been in a high risk category for suicide since I met him almost a decade ago, this is alarming to me.

During our first year together, I recall John coming home and describing the pre-deployment suicide prevention and awareness course that he had to sit through.  He named off a host of categories in which he was in that related to the highest risk of suicide, per the Army's then current statistics.  He said the information was depressing and I recall him saying he raised his hand to jokingly ask if they wanted them to just go ahead and kill themselves because they fit all those disturbing categories.  

Based on the last two years worth of data from this article, divorced veterans, vets without a college education, and young soldiers under the age of 25 are more likely than their counterparts to take their own life. 

While adapting back to civilian life and finding a sense of  hope and being is a problem for many, I see the a few other problems from my vantage point.  First, if financial woes are a problem and risk factor for suicide as this frustrates vets to an irrational state of helplessness, then the VA can not process their backlog of over 863,000 claims fast enough.  This number was reported by NPR during December 2012. 

We, like many in this backlog, have experienced years wait time, improperly filed documents, inadequate reports submitted by third party contractors for the VA, and simple denials without even reviewing our evidence.  Denials which I believe only happened so that the VA could add those claims to the list of processed claims without even reviewing evidence.  

The fight for compensation is almost as bad and possibly even more frustrating for some than being in the midst of battle.  These vets feel the government and nation they fought for doesn't care enough to efficiently compensate them for what they deserve.

The NY Times article mentions the enormous backlog and notes an almost 90 year old widow who had to wait around two years for the VA to pay a survivor's pension.  This should not be the case.  Likewise, younger vets seeking compensation are being put off and being denied and it is causing some of them to file for bankruptcy while others have severe frustrations and suicidal ideations and actions.

Click to watch video

I recognize many advocates and family members speaking out more about suicide now than ever before.  They want to reduce the stigma and encourage others to get help before they go to the attempts or success to end their own lives.  The family of Robert Guzzo, a Navy Seal who committed suicide on Veteran's Day 2012, speaks out on this video via the Washington Post. While ultimately each is responsible for his own behavior, often signs of suicide are being ignored by many.  This includes law enforcement agencies, family members, doctors, and VA staff.  

While we've experienced this nonchalant brushing off by all of the above categories, we also have a great support system that many aren't blessed enough to have at their disposal.  If you know a vet that is depressed, is in distress, or may be having suicidal thought and/or actions, I urge you to be there for them, advocate for them, be with them, call 911 or other crisis lines if needed, point them in the right directions, and do whatever possible to make them feel accepted, needed, hopeful, and safe.

The Defense Department's/VA toll-free crisis number is 800-273-8255.
Online: Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors: http://www.taps.org

The American Veterans With Brain Injuries group posted this info on FB this week:  

It should also be understood that the VA crisis line is for ALL Veterans who may be in crisis. Very often events can bring difficulties to the surface that have been hidden or "stuffed" for years, sometimes decades! If you know a veteran showing the following warning signs or symptoms, reach out and DO SOMETHING! 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1), or send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/

 
These signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. Risk is greater if a behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss or change.

Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself.
Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
Talking about being a burden to others.
Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
Sleeping too little or too much.
Withdrawn or feeling isolated.
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
Displaying extreme mood swings.

Additional Warning Signs of Suicide
Preoccupation with death.
Suddenly happier, calmer.
Loss of interest in things one cares about.
Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.
Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

Self-Awereness with TBI or PTSD

Also see my "What does PTSD look like?  I'm Fine, How are You?" post

A veteran slams a door, he hollers, he is angry.  Yet, the vet doesn't recognize that this is not normal acceptable behavior and doesn't realize there is a problem.

A doctor asks, "Where is your pain?" 
The vet looks puzzled and replies, "my back." 
The doctor then questions, "Where at specifically in your back?"
"Hum.." ponders the vet.  "It is kind of towards the bottom."
Upon examination, the doctor finds that the vet cringes with pain when his middle back is touched.
With a jerk and gasp, the vet replies, "That's it...right there."

  What is Self-Awareness?  

The above are two examples of a lack of awareness. In the first example, the vet may likely blame someone or something else, externalizing the problem and failing to realize that it was his behavior that was inappropriate.  The second example demonstrates a vet who does not even pay enough attention to his pain to accurately report where it is coming from.

In the most simplest form, the Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines this self-awareness as "an awareness of one's own personality or individuality."  But what is awareness? Why might it be difficult for some?  Self-awareness is something most people have to purposefully work at and be attentive to. 

Awareness, according to Wikipedia,  "is the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects, or sensory patterns. In this level of consciousness, sense data can be confirmed by an observer without necessarily implying understanding. More broadly, it is the state or quality of being aware of something."

I have found that many times people with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) along with other disabilities often have trouble with self-awareness.  Perhaps denial, that great defense mechanism, plays a large part with people ignoring problems or disabilities and simply believing they are "fine." Delusions can also play a part in one's lack of self awareness.  Delusions of one's disability are common. Often people deny or ignore that there is a problem in the first place.  When one has injuries and problems, either visible or invisible, with the functioning of the brain there is likely to be lack of awareness.

With a lack of self awareness it is difficult for a person to talk about feelings, sensations, and physical complaints.  This may lead them to manage their emotions and relationships effectively.  Mr. Rogers sums it up nicely below.

“Part of the problem with the word 'disabilities' is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk or do other things that many of us take for granted. But what of people who can't feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren't able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.”― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

It is almost normal for many, especially soldiers, to ignore disabilities as much as they can and still believe that they are capable of much more than they can physically or mentally endure.  They may try to tackle a large project or attempt to attend a large gathering, yet not be able to finish the project or get through the gathering without panic and paranoia. Without adequate awareness, one can become frustrated, frustrate those around them, and retreat to loneliness, disappointment, and lack of fulfillment and satisfaction with life. 

Self-Awareness Theory 

Self-Awareness Theory states that when we focus our attention on ourselves, we evaluate and compare our current behavior to our internal standards and values. We become self-conscious as objective evaluators of ourselves.  People with mental illness, like PTSD, or TBI can have great problems with objectively evaluating themselves.  They can have problems recognizing reality and awareness.  

Additionally, a component of Social Psychology is that one wants his or her behavior to be congruent with the beliefs and values that he or she has.  When those behaviors and beliefs don't line up, there is conflict.  For example, when one believes that he or she should be the bread-winning worker in the family and is disabled and no longer to fill that role it can lead to cognitive dissonance and leaving the disabled person uneasy and likely depressed until resolution can be made.  One can resolve cognitive dissonance in several different ways. He or she can change his or her ideas to believe that the disability is accepted and that not being the bread winner is alright.  They might also pursue VA compensation or Social Security disability or other resources that  are available as an alternative that is acceptable in the place of being the primary wage earner.

Overcoming this lack of awareness

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”― C.G. Jung

How does a person overcome a lack of awareness?  This can take a long time.  It doesn't happen immediately.  It is a process and for those with disabilities, it can be a very taxing and seemingly impossible task.  Awareness can start with a simple quiet reflection of ones surroundings and being mindful of what is present.  Quietly sit with your eyes closed and pay attention to what you hear or feel.  Do you hear cars going by?  The hum of the computer? Do you feel the weight of your arms against the chair?  Do you have a headache? Are you anxious because of your eyes being closed?

Next, one can also do progressive muscle relaxation training.  With relaxation training, one does a body scan paying attention to the muscles and the tension in the body.  The person then systematically tenses muscle groups, then relaxes them, noticing the difference between tension and relaxation.  The goal here is two fold.  First, the person can create a more relaxed state in his or her body and secondly, that he or she can be more aware of where they are harboring tension or stress so they can relieve that bodily stress by the contraction exercises.  One example of a relaxation exercise is that when you feel tension or tightness in your shoulders, that you pull them up towards your ears (like you are shrugging them).  Hold your shoulders up in this position for about 10 seconds and then release them.  Let them fall back down to the normal position and recognize the difference between tension and relaxation.  

See this video on YouTube for a great relaxation exercise or watch a person do the exercises here to get an idea of what they look like. 

Be patient with the person as he attempts to learn how to be more aware.  Ask open ended questions to help them come up with answers for how they feel and ask specific questions when needed to help someone become more aware of pain or emotional awareness.  

Good resources on my shelf that I recommend to clients and students are:

• The PTSD Workbook. Link to this book on Amazon:

• The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Bourne.  Link to this book on Amazon:

Both these books are now available on Kindle.
Kindle eBooks